So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
