Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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