For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
