I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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