did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
