saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
