i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
