He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
