my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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