Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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