I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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