My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Randomize
