Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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