We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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