guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
