She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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