Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
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