Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
