I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
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