I am puke
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Randomize
