I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
