I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Randomize
