4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
