I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
