i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
