Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I looked at my own cervix.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I love how my cats smell like pot.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
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