i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
