Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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