Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
