I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
