Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
