I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
