I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
