at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize