When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
