I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
