i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Randomize
