Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
