why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
