i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
