You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
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