wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Randomize
