i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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