Don't you send me to vm
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
