she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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