woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Found your dick twin last night
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
You're a waste of cheezeits
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
