He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
