Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
