I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
