So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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