is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
this is an emotional support booty call
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
