you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
