So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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