pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Randomize
