hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
