I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
