I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize