Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
