I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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