guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
