What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
