this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
