I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
