im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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