you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Randomize
