Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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